Posted by: Nice Melons | June 14, 2008

I smell trepidation upon the wind… oh wait, that’s just my breath.

OK, it’s time for an break from our regularly-scheduled goofiness.  My melon is about to explode, and I can’t afford therapy… not sure I really want to go back there, anyway.  I was doing pretty good until I got confused.

I’m going to write a bit about my wiring in my brain.  I think I know myself pretty well, but even I surprise me from time-to-time.  Keeps things interesting, no?

All of us are products of our environment.  I’m pretty damn tired a lot of the time and tend to fill up my downtime with positive activities, like the yoga thing, so I don’t think too much.  Practicing the conscious process of letting thoughts go has been a real positive thing for me since I have a tendency to berate myself over, well, anything and everything.  I’ve been fighting that for years, but the only success I’ve had in dealing with that is just realizing that I do it, and deal with it in any way I can.

That being said, I’m still struggling.  I always will.  It’s just time to wrestle that alligator into a nice pair of peep-toe pumps and a matching clutch.  Enough is enough.

I’m very bad at taking emotional cues, as in, DUH, what do you want from me? Be specific, please.  Well, most people aren’t… and I run around in circles trying to figure shit out that most people just leave alone.  I absolutely hate not knowing where I stand with someone.  I try to be clear on that with others, but I struggle constantly because not everyone wishes to know. 

Most of my experience with relationships while growing up was, errr, not so good.  People who said they loved one another treated each other very, very badly.  I grew up not wanting to hurt anyone and trying my best to avoid that.  I just knew that when I hurt someone’s feelings, it hurt me a whole hell of a lot because I just don’t want to make anyone unhappy.  I can’t really explain it, and it doesn’t really have much to do with not wanting to feel bad about myself – it’s that I know the feeling and I can’t believe I’ve now done it to someone.  You eediot!  I’ve found that it’s near impossible to make everyone happy all the time and also keep me happy, too… but being the cause of someone else’s anguish just extinguishes the light in my soul.  The rug isn’t just yanked out from under me – it’s fucking vaporized.    

Fear of hurting someone and being hurt has kept me from harm, but it’s also kept me from happiness.  Well, if I have that fear of hurt, I will not have the extreme pleasure and joy that comes from being loved, either, and what is good about that?  I’m not sure that this is something that I can work through in this lifetime.  This may just be the way it is… but I’ve got to keep trying.  I like the pleasure and joy too much, and that craving isn’t going away anytime soon.  I think I’m decent enough to deserve some pleasure and joy.  More please?

I fall hard when I do and love someone with every bit of myself.  That alternately scares, confuses, or alienates a lot of people.  Learning to protect my innermost heart has been a hard lesson to learn, indeed.  It is a lifelong process, because I yam what I yam.  But I will practice my lessons and try to be more careful who I give my heart to. 

Now I’m going to stand on my head and try not to beat myself up over hurting someone that I love very much.  Then I’m going to eat some ice cream… a LOT of ice cream.  I ♥ ice cream! 

 


Responses

  1. Number one: Is it sad I knew where the link to you eediot was going before I even clicked on it?

    Number two: Take a deep breath, step back, and take some time for yourself. Oh, and eat. Lots of ice cream because ice cream makes the hurting stop. It does! At least, it does for me…

    Number three: Are you me?

  2. Number 1 – no, it’s not sad. I’m a big Ren and Stimpy fan so I can relate. Here’s another quote… “Pss, hey Guido, its all so clear to me now. I’m the keeper of the cheese and you’re the lemon merchant, you get it? And he knows it. That’s why he’s gonna kill us. So we got to beat it, ya, before he let’s loose the marmosets on us. Don’t worry little missy, I’ll save you.”

    Number 2 – I’m trying to breathe. It’s been difficult because of illness and whatnot, but I appreciate the suggestion. Sometimes I feel like I need to set a reminder or 12 to breathe in and out… deeply… throughout the day. I ate all the ice cream in the freezer. More! More!

    Number 3 – I may very well be you. There are a lot more of us than you might think. 😛

  3. Was this the man? Did the man get hurt?

    I love ice cream too! I need to do yoga.

    Ren & Stimpy Yay!

  4. “I may very well be you. There are a lot more of us than you might think”

    You might have just blown my fragile little mind…


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