Posted by: Nice Melons | June 4, 2008

A fine mess…

So, in my struggle to clarify my issues from yesterday, I somehow deleted my previous post. WTF?

The basic gist of my post was this:

  • Don’t take anyone or anything for granted.  That sucks. 
  • This life is too short.  Get what you need from it.
  • If you aren’t getting what you need, try to figure out how you can.
  • Communicate. 
  • Don’t make me chase your ass.

I think that just about sums it up.

I realize that I’m probably way too much for a lot of people.  I am always trying to work through my crap – hence, yoga, blogging, etc – because like everyone, I have emotional baggage.  Some days it just feels like I have a whole lot more than I’d like to have.  Yesterday was one of those days. 

I’m just trying to get through this life the best I can.  I’d like to enjoy myself while I’m here.  I’d also like to make a difference.  Being the consummate overachiever, I try to be all things to all people – friends, lovers, employers, family members – and this really wears me the eff out.  This is one of the reasons I seem to spend a lot of time in yoga class, and it brings a lot to the surface.  It also wears me out so I can sleep without the monkey-mind running amok, swinging from trees, eating bananas, and throwing poo.   Arrrgh.

Yeah, well, maybe I think too much.  This has nothing to do with lack of self-esteem or anything like that…  it’s just that I’m a re-re when it comes to reading people.  Then I try way harder than I probably need to… and when I sense that something isn’t quite, well, right, the noggin starts running overtime. There’s a lot more to it than thinking too much… I just trusted my heart in the past and it has let me down a lot.  I just don’t know how to do this.  As Anners would say, phuck. 

I get overworked and taken for granted in my job because I care too much.  People ask for me to do things for them and then when I need info or something, I have to chase them down to get it.  I’m not good at being a slouch and I’m very cognizant that I work for my peeps – I’m a public sector employee – so I’m conscientious about how tax dollars are spent.  I get a lot of work to do because, well, I’m good at the things I do here so they give me all kinds of crap to do.  But the public service thing is getting old, and I need to get out of here.  If I’m going to be overworked, at least I can get paid a whole hell of a lot more for my efforts.

Friendships, well…  I like friends.  I often say that friends are the family that you choose for yourself.  However, if you do something evil more than once, don’t expect me to be your best buddy anymore.  Since there is a choice here, chances are I won’t be able to deal since I can’t trust you.  I need to protect me.  This is probably a little weird, but I have been hosed in a big way.  I don’t know what else to say about that. 

When I’m in an intimate relationship, I like someone to pay attention to me.  Not to the point of co-dependency, but dammit, if it’s not happening, I don’t think someone is interested in me so I withdraw a bit to protect my heart.  Now, this doesn’t mean that I need flowers, coddling, or phone calls 12 times a day.  It also does not mean I need to be kissed and touched in public constantly – ewww, who wants to see that – but you’ve got to meet me halfway here.    I just want a little reminder from time-to-time that this person is happy to be here with me… that is all.

Now, here’s that picture again…

128298313739845000donotwant.jpg

 Damn, I wish I could figure things out.  😦  I don’t like feeling like I am insane.  Nuts, well, I can deal with nuts… or even wacko.  But insanity is not an option at this time.  Arrrgh!


Responses

  1. I try to embrace my insanity. It makes everything so much better.

    Also, WordPress has been a bitch lately.

    I tend to try and please everyone, as well. Slowly, but surely I’m adapting this “I don’t give a phuck” attitude and my headaches aren’t as frequent.

    Along the friendship route, I agree with you 100%. Only once you do something horrid to me, or I feel I can’t trust you, it’s over. And I will not be pleasant about it.

  2. Thanks for the support. I’m not too happy with my insanity because, well, it makes me NUTS. I’m OK for a long time… then I pop because everything comes to a head, like a big ol’ zit. Hmmm.

    I do all this work on the Melon to try to keep the chaos to a minimum, and I’m missing something because things still seem to blow up in my face. (See the zit analogy). It’s like, if I don’t give the impression that I am a strong, self-assured, independent woman, I won’t get the attention that I crave. If I show the least little bit of my soft underbelly, I’m needy. Sh*t.

    Gee, I wonder why I’m so confused? 😛

  3. Ooh, the friend thing! Most of my friends suck at being friends.

  4. Hello Melon (and I feel vague rude typing that, but your nom de blog…)

    It seems wordpress dropped one of my entries as link out of yours, so I followed the electronic breadcrumbs here and have been peeking around.

    Amusing little corner of the web you’ve got here. Anyone addicted to Lolcats and its various offshoots and can write in complete and interesting sentences (something I struggle with from time to time) is certainly worth the read.

    Happy blogging.

  5. Hello, wascally (gray)wabbit, and thanks for stopping by. I’m glad you’re enjoying the muddled musings in my blog.
    Come on by anytime. 🙂

  6. Glad someone gets the graywabbit reference. 😉

    So, this rant you went off on the other day, I’m all intrigued/nosey now.

    Now, where’s the link to send you an email with that password request…

    Thanks for the invite to come back. If you want to check on my insanity, feel free…

  7. Hello again graywabbit. Do you blog here as well? I can’t seem to find you to check on your insanity level. 😛

  8. I’m at writerintraining.wordpress.com

    Enjoy the rambling.


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