Posted by: Nice Melons | April 15, 2008

Lost and Found

“Love is, above all, the gift of oneself.”
      – Jean Anouilh

Today has been a little bit tough.  I haven’t been sleeping very well; there was a bit of an violent, scary incident right across the street from my home a few nights back and I haven’t been able to settle down at night.  I was doing the vivid nightmares and dreams the week before the incident…  so it’s more than the violence that has interrupted my snooze patterns.  Yoga is helping a lot, but sometimes sleep still eludes me.

Now, although I do miss sleep, sometimes a bit of sleep deprivation brings about a strange sort of clarity, if that makes any sense. 

So, I think I’ve been bringing a lot to the surface of my subconscious, which in turn feeds bananas to the monkey-mind, which then runs amok, throws poo, and generally keeps me awake until I remember to breathe and let go. 

I’m doing a lot of positive changes in my life, and this has brought about many benefits – better health, happiness, good energy, focus… and a super-cool new friend has come into my life and made me totally do a 180 on the relationship thing (I think I mentioned being twitterpated).  Seriously, folks… it’s been really weird for me to feel like this about anyone.  If you check out some of my earlier posts, like this one, and maybe this one, you’ll see what I mean.

When the last relationshit relationship fizzled out, I vowed not to get involved with anyone in an, ahem, intimate manner again until I had figured out why I was attracting morons.  I mean, yeah, there are a lot of morons out there, but I didn’t like attracting them and strongly suspected that it must have something to do with whatever moron homing beacon I had projecting out of my subconscious.  Obviously, I had some work to do on ME.

Making the postive changes seems to have set me up to be ready and open for this opportunity to have someone like this in my life… otherwise I probably would have been totally oblivious.

Four years was a long time to wait.  Or was it 40 years?  In any case, whatever happens, I’m glad I did. 

 


Responses

  1. In general, when I’ve tried to learn lessons from one relationship I could apply to the next one, the complex realities of co-habitation with the new person blew the lessons out of the water. Or, perhaps more accurately, rendered many of them irrelevant. Especially the most recent ones. (Maybe I was more conscious of them because they were fresh?)

    Maintaining a certain sense of flexibility at the beginning helped. But women are generally better at that than men. (A sexist thing to write; but in an overarching, generalized way — to the point of having marginal or varying individual relevance — something I’ve noticed.) Also listening to what she was saying, rather than my preconceptions of what she might be saying. (Also something women are often better at, also a sexist thing to write, with the same caveat.)

    Migawd, I’m full of sexisms this morning.
    Anyway, I hope the new friendship goes well, and any of the every day, normal, garden variety relationship incendiaries that detonate regularly for all of us provide you more pleasant fireworks than casualties.

    Oh, and re the:

    moron homing beacon

    I think they’re called pheromones. Some just have stronger signals. That the creator put us all into the same species with such contradictory needs makes for a very bizarre series of perpetual emotional collisions. All I can figure is that she/he/it/they must enjoy the cosmic joke of it all.

    Plus, the collisions make for lots of good plots for books and movies.

    Keep the brakes in good repair.

  2. Heh, well… about those pheromones… I’m not so sure about that.

    I think what I was trying to say was that I couldn’t attract the person who could give me my heart’s desire until I figured out how to do that for myself. It may sound a little woo-woo, but that’s as close as I can get to describing it.

    I haven’t had many relationships, but each one taught me well and also reinforced what I didn’t want or need. Each evolved into something extremely dysfunctional, which patterned the home environment I grew up with. No surprise there… but you may be able to see why I took that vow, stepped back, and worked on MY stuff for awhile.

    I hope it continues to work. My parking karma has been great, too (not that I need it in Phoenix)! 😛

  3. Well, I’m glad to hear things are going better for you.

    About the parking karma — you would need it in Alameda now. When I first got here you could go to Park street and find parking easily. Now it’s becoming like the City — arg.

  4. Ohnoooo it’s the Starbucks that started it all…

  5. […] – but I can’t ignore it or write it off as a coincidence.  I kind of talked about this in a previous post, so I’m repeating myself.  Maybe there was positive stuff out there before, but since I […]


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