Posted by: Nice Melons | December 17, 2007

Bitch bitch bitch…

Well, you’ve been forewarned.  It’s definitely one of *those* days… a day where you wake up and wonder about why the hell you bother. 

Yeah, someone’s got a case of the Mondays.

I spend a lot of time trying to figure it all out, which is part of the problem.  Sometimes there just isn’t anything to figure and trying to do so makes your head hurt even more. 

One thing I wish I could “figure” out is how to make Phoenix work for me.  I believe you can be happy anywhere (or unhappy), but I just don’t get it.  I tried to give up music, but that didn’t work out so well.  I need music, and Phoenix isn’t the kind of town that I’m going to get what I need.  The one ensemble that I play with from time-to-time does not treat me much differently than they did 20 years ago, and that is hard to swallow… so I’m not going to eat there anymore, ha ha!  It is really bad for my head, not to mention my heart.  No more.  It gets to a point that playing in the living room for my cats and my neighbor is way more gratifying and less of a hassle, even if it doesn’t pay as well.  🙂  I’ll miss making music with others, but I am just sick to death of all this and I don’t like the person I am when I’m playing with that ensemble.  I care too much about music to get into that “I’ll play my part, you play yours” mentality that is the anathema of ensemble playing, but that is what you have to do to survive this particular gig.  This makes my heart hurt, so I’m done.  Done done done.

Now what?


Responses

  1. Hey NM… I’ve been wanting to comment on this since I read it. I’m afraid I can’t give as much attention to it as I’d like because it’s late and I’m tired but I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you.

    very quickly though I’ll tell you, I drifted away from making music in a symphony type setting about 19 years ago. I was a music major in college and decided I just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t realize how much I missed making music with other people. It’s a weird void I didn’t realize I had until I started playing again… different instrument, different style of music. It’s been about a year that I’ve playing with a couple of friends of mine. I hope you can find a group of musicias who will mesh with what you want. ~ Jules

  2. The old saying “you can’t go home again” is true on many levels. Some folks would say that “I have changed so much…blah blah blah” or “that place has changed so much…blah again, blah again, ad naseum” That is usually how it is used. However, for some of us, and I think in this case YOU my dear, it can also be taken in the sense that you were never home in the first place. Those…blowers of metal, or vibrator of reeds, or strokers of strings (pass the resin please) still treat you as they did “20 years ago” AND Phoenix’s “vibe” is not working out may be due to truth that you aren’t supposed to be THERE.
    Many of us have ventured out from our “childhood nests”, granted some could/should be labeled as “pods”, or “hives” or “suburban manifestations of termite-like eco-structures”, but we GOT OUT! We have tasted the vile excretions the world has to offer, the sweet elixir of know we aren’t THERE anymore and can reinvent ourselves elsewhere and maybe find that HOME we thought we had “back there”. Some folks don’t leave. Having lived in the Dakotas, I think you have it a lot easier being treated retroactively to the Reagan/Papa George 1980’s (provided they don’t offer/ask you for mousse or hair-gel) by these folks. THEY never left, so their mind-sets are still, for the most part, back-then (Wha’s differn’t? Bush is still in the White House, huh?). YOU have changed, but these folks don’t see, nor want to see that. They are locked in their routines.
    Places speak to us in many ways and languages. Sometimes softly, sometimes loudly. Your retaining of what you love very much, your music, deserves admiration. You need to search out a place where you can blossom and also be who you want to be. Some folks never find it…some give up. Don’t give up.

  3. great response Lurch… i had to read it a couple of times, put it down for a day and come back to it but I get what you’re saying. Great take on her post and you say something I forgot to add… don’t give up. I’d like to echo his response Melongirl… keep at it.

    I came to this post because I wanted to add something else I forgot. When I was in school as a music major I played trumpet. I started teaching myself to play guitar about three years ago… amazing to me that I was able to do it because i think it’s just so friggin hard. Different fingers that wiggle as well. 🙂

    Go here Melongirl and you hear something I recorded at home. hope you like it. ~ Julian


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