Posted by: Nice Melons | October 7, 2007

Unpack the emotional baggage, I’m movin’ in!!!

Inside my pointy little head, I am constantly working on my emotional baggage.  If I’m in a relationship, I try to limit it to one carry-on and it has to fit in a space that falls within the federally-mandated guidelines.  It’s not fair to carry on one of those über-duffle bags, either.  I really hate it when people do that then walk down the aisle and bonk us all on the head.  So… I am often single because I don’t want to inflict my dharma on anyone until it settles down and behaves.  Right now it’s having a time-out.  I think it may have had too much sugar.

So I’m imperfect.  We all are, and anyone who tells you otherwise is itchin’ for a fight.  I have a hard time remembering this when I’m mentally beating myself to a pulp for doing stupid shit… like trusting the wrong person…AGAIN.   Doh!

A little background on myself.  I should start a blog for those of us who are the adult children of alcoholics, but I really hate labels because instead of living your life and trying to find happiness in a roundabout way, you become your label.  You go to support groups for your label.  You spend years on the therapists couch giving someone, who is probably just as fucked up as you are, lots of money to help you figure out how to remove that label (even more difficult to do if the same therapist gave you the freakin’ label in the first place) as well as the sticky residue. You plan your every move as though your label gets a vote.  New shoes?  Should I have that piece of cheesecake?  WTF?  I knew what was going on with me before I had my label… then BAM, I was recognized.  HALP!  Well, I suppose there is an upside to that.  Now I know what self-help books to read. 

My point is that all of us are products of our environment whether we’ve been labeled or not.  You may be able to remove the label (or at least disassociate yourself from it), but you can’t really change who  you are, how that happened, or why it has to be that way… you can just change the way you react to or deal with people, situations, and circumstances.  You just find a way to deal with it and be happy in a slightly different way than most.  For me, it helps a lot to write about it and I find blogging to be not only effective but a hell of a lot cheaper than going to the therapist.  Looks like I’m not alone, either.  That is also a very good feeling that there are PLENTY of people out there that can relate…  in fact it seems that dysfunction is the norm and all those with wholesome parents are the freaks.  Who knew? 

Meditation also does a great deal of good, as does playing music.  I’ve played professionally for many years – it’s how I made my living – and I’m working on getting back to doing it full-time again.  It may or may not work out.  I’m trying to achieve a bit more balance in my life these days and perhaps it is best that I don’t return to doing it full-time… we’ll see.  My music career was put on the back burner when a family member became terminally ill.  The terminally ill family member I put my career on pause for was the alcoholic.  Talk about some heavy karma.  More on that another time.

In any case, I stopped blaming the alcoholic parent a long time ago.  Hell, he got his parenting skills from his parents and just passed along the favor… and people wonder why I don’t have kids.  😉 Honestly, I don’t trust myself enough. Plus I’ve got no desire for that kind of immortality, especially if I do a crappy job and mess ’em up.  Stuck in the spin cycle.

Most of my time, I do count my blessings, because no matter how bad it was, it could have been a whole hell of a lot worse.  A LOT WORSE.  Like, third world country worse.  Like getting raped by a family member on a daily basis worse.   So I’m not gonna whine too loud.  Well, maybe occasionally.

I have an excellent friend, MattO, who I connected with in college and probably should have hooked up with permanently.  Ah, flaming youth.  Doh!  He is a rare gem.   Not only that, he has a similar background to mine and he’s now so grounded, I hold him up as a sort of role model because I totally want to be like him.  Is he perfect?  Hell no.  That’s not the point.  (If he’s reading this, he’s probably making gagging noises right now.  Ha!)  Anyway,  He located me a few years back and it was so great to reconnect.  We email back and forth about all kinds of stuff.  He’s married with kids, and I totally respect that.  He’s a fantastic sounding board because he’s one of the few that truly get the way my mind works since he comes from a similar environment.

You see, growing up with an alcoholic or drug-addicted parent is pretty messed up.  If they are messed up in the head when they are SOBER as well, it’s even worse. I had the luck to have someone who was an ass in both circumstances.  This totally screws with your dharma and makes living in the real world a bit difficult. 

So in my next post, I’ll put together a little roadmap to my personality traits, or in simpler terms, why I’m such a nutjob. 

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