Posted by: Nice Melons | October 2, 2007

The path not taken…

Wow.  I heard from an old friend the other night.  He tracked me down on MySpace.  I haven’t heard from him in 20 years.  Although I’ve thought of him so very many times in the past, I just didn’t go there.  I’m always trying to move in a forward direction, but I did search for him on the Internet about 7 years ago without any success.    

I thought about him about a week prior to receiving a message on MySpace titled “Old Friend from Florida.”  This sort of thing happens a lot, by the way… it’s my own  little freaky-deaky radar – I’ll think of someone that I haven’t heard from in a long time, and whammo – I’ll get a phone call, email, etc.  Anyway, although there wasn’t a picture there with his username, it was pretty clear who it was.  I was shaking like crazy when I clicked the link to open the message.   This message included, “It’s nice to see your face again.Please call me so we can catch up.Thinking of you and hope all is well and right with you. With Love Always…”  and then his name.   I just couldn’t stop shaking.  I was smiling like a total idiot too, so my teeth were chattering like mad.

 

 So now is the time I’m going to insert a little background on our past relationship so I can better explain. 

Back in 1985, I was visiting a good friend K-W in Florida – she and I went to high school together and then her Dad was transferred to Ft. Myers her senior year – and I came out to visit her the summer before my senior year.  While I was there, I fell in love.  Big time.  Of course, I was on the graduate-and-go-off-to-college-path, and I thought that I was too young to know anything.  Boy was I full of shit. 

The first time I met him, I nearly fell out of the car because my friend K-W and I were clowning around.  We had gone over to his house to give him a ride to wherever it was we were all going to hang out, and by the end of the evening, something pretty big was happening to me.   Yup, I had been whacked over the head with the goofy love stick.

What was so special about him?  It was simply the way he made me feel on so many levels… physically of course, but also emotionally and spiritually.  I felt secure around him, and safe.  I had it bad!  And what was worse was that I had to return to Phoenix and resume that college prep path.  I had been programmed this way, and didn’t know to listen to my heart. 

 We tried to maintain the relationship over the next year, when I returned to Florida and we kind of picked up where we left off.  Then I was headed up to Interlochen Arts Camp for the summer before heading off to college to do all these great things.  I felt so… empty after I left him. 

Over the course of the next year, he met someone else, which I learned about when I returned to Florida the following year to be in my friend K-W’s wedding.  I wasn’t really surprised, I mean, here was this great guy that I couldn’t figure out how to be with because I was so wrapped up in doing what I thought I was supposed to do.  I loved him so much, so more than anything, I just wanted him to be happy, no matter who he was with.  What else could I do but wish him well?

So after 20 years of nothing, I am suddenly plunged back in and I feel exactly the same as I did those many years ago.  I’ve never met anyone who even came close to making me feel that way.  Many, many people tell me that I expect too much from a relationship, but I say they are wrong.  Once you experience it, you know it can happen and you spend the rest of your life trying to find it because you know that it exists, and it is real.  It’s one thing to make a compromise on what you want to eat for dinner, but your emotional well-being?  Hell, that is another ballgame entirely – and not one I’m willing to play.  I deserve more and I will never sell myself short again because this life is too damn short.

What I’ve learned from this is to never, ever, EVER ignore my intuition again.  It’s never been wrong.  I’ll admit that at the age of 17 I didn’t have a lot of life experience, but I did have enough intuition to recognize that this guy totally got me, and seemed to love me anyway.  That is worth far, far more than anything I’ve done during my career.    Too bad I didn’t listen to my gut instinct.

I did call him and I was a bit tongue-tied… it was so good to hear his voice.  We talked a bit about the divergent paths that our lives had taken us on and how subsequent tragedies made it imperative that we communicate how important people are to us.  So did I tell him?  No, I totally chickened out.  Doh!

However, two days later I did put it all down in an “analog” letter and sent it before I could do another poultry impersonation. Hopefully he’ll understand where I’m trying to say in there. I didn’t really write it in hopes of picking up where we left off…  it was more to tell him how important he was to me.  I would like to get to know the person he is now, though.  That would be cool.  Learning that you could feel that way about another person was HUGE for me.  Like a lot of you out there, I had a pretty dysfunctional upbringing with an alcoholic in the family, so my concept of a healthy relationship was totally skewed.  It was great to feel this way.  I hope that someday I can find it again.  If not, I’ve had it once, and that is an incredible feeling and a beautiful thing.  

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Om mani padme hum


Responses

  1. good luck!!!

  2. Thanks… not sure what is going to happen, if anything… it was more to let him know what he meant to me. I don’t even think it matters at this point if those feelings are returned; it was more about how he made me feel at that time, and how I learned that it was possible to feel that way about someone. My prior observations within my own family was that people who said that they loved one another did horrible things to each other.


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